Seven Dwarves - Hi Ho Hi Ho

A couple of weeks ago the Channel 4 standard "we'll pretend we're doing a documentry to highlight the plight of *insert disadvantaged group here* but actually we're just putting on a bit of a freak show" programme came to town in the form of Seven Dwarves. It's in a similar vain to My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, more giving people a look at a world they are fascinated with but would never get to see otherwise. As ever, it is advertised as an insightful documentry in which you get to follow the lives of seven dwarfs (where did they come up with the name to the show?) who are part of the Snow White panto in Woking. They all live in a house for the panto season and over the series of 7 shows we get to find out more about each of the little people. Again, you can really see the compassion Channel 4 have for these guys, putting them in a Big Brother style house with their drunken antics and frolicking recorded.

For the record, I have absolutely zero issue with this freak show. As long as the guys aren't being exploited in any way their naivity to this isn't our problem! I'm sure they are being well compensated. People have a fascination with dwarfs, they can't go around town and do daily tasks without staring and ridicule. It fascinates me how they go about their daily lives and watching them move and talk, not to the extent that I would follow them around town but it makes for fantastic television. What I do have an issue with, is Channel 4 pretending it's some sort of dwarf supporting organisation! The opening credits to the show sum it up, it's got the little guys with their funny run going up the stairs, one of the dwarfs in a nightclub doing a bit of dry humping with an average size lady and his girlfriend sticking her minuscule middle finger up at him screeching "faaark orrrf!". To pretend this was made for anything but the comedy factor and to dress it up as sympathetic to their issues is just plain wrong. Why not just get them dressed up as Oompa Loompas and paint them orange? Oh wait, they did that in episode one with Josh...

Twitter participation is fully encouraged with the Seven Dwarves hashtag (#sevendwarves) shown at every opportunity, I followed a lot of the discussion on last nights show which followed Britain's only dwarf drag queen, Jamie John. Strangely enough, Jamie enlightened us that work is hard to come by for a drag queen dwarf in Norfolk where he lives. Competition too stiff? A majority of the comments were very supportive, complimentary and full of praise for the dwarfs. There was the odd joke, my favourite being "hey look he's got an iPad... oh wait it's an iPhone". A few of them have Twitter accounts and were lapping all this up, going through their tweets they are no different to your average, fame hungry Big Brother applicant. They all seem to want to use their unique height as a way into showbiz and shamelessly so. Fair play I say, if it gets you ahead of the game and you're prepared to take the stick that comes with it then chase the dream!

I can't help but think they are quite naive though, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, they seem to think it's their talent that's getting them where they are not the fascination with their size. Jamie, the drag queen who was on last night, told of his yearning to work in the west end in London. The end of the show informed us he had managed to get a residence at a club in Stoke. His voice as showcased at the holiday park he worked in before securing the gig in Stoke really proved it's all about the dwarf factor, he was distinctly average to put it kindly. Secondly, they don't seem to be able to distinguish between being made fun of and compliments. A number of the tweets they were retweeting were obviously a piss take. A typical example was to the little lady Laura, who retweeted a number of tweets with content such as "my mate @joebloggs thinks you're really fit can you RT? lol". No disrespect to these guys, but unless it's some sort of weird fetish, you aren't very fanciable. You have weird shaped faces and are 4ft tall!

Anyway, if you need me on a Tuesday night for the next few weeks at 9pm - you'll find me on the sofa! I'm loving every minute so far and the relationship between Max and Karen is a particular highlight. Also I can't help but think a gay dwarf who has gone into drag Jamie has missed a trick by not taking up porn, surely the possibilities there would have been endless. Max, Karen, Craig,  Ryan, Jamie, Josh and Laura - keep up the good work guys. I hope it all ends well for you all. Just don't kid yourselves into thinking Channel 4 have got your back! Laura in particular wasn't pleased at Channel 4 zooming in on her thong last night.

Just for good measure - an old dwarf joke:

A woman is driving down a street and accidentally drives into the back of another car. The car isn't in a good way and out steps a dwarf. "I am not happy!" says the dwarf. "Which one are you then?" replies the woman.

Bah dum tsch.

Respect Should Be Earnt

Being the manager of the Sunday football team I play for, I'm responsible for most of the thankless tasks that mean the lads just have to turn up and play. One of the more luxurious jobs include attending meetings called by the league committee. I attended such a meeting last week to see our cup draw and receive some updates ahead of the 2011/12 season. Attendance by someone from each club is mandatory, it is a well run Charter Standard league and (fairly) they expect a lot from their member clubs in terms of admin and compliance with their rules. Part of the meeting was an update on the Respect campaign, including a new appeal process for red cards and a change from term based suspensions to match based. The Respect campaign has been in place for a couple of seasons now aimed at all levels of the game, right from the Premier League players we see on TV who are meant to be providing a good example down to our grassroots players who should be following the example. If you've been in and around football, you're sure to have seen something to do with Respect. It is aimed at creating a safer environment for the referee to do his job and make the game more fair and enjoyable. The rest of the meeting was fairly routine, but the guest from the FA who had come along to update on Respect caused quite a stir. His 10 minute update turned into over an hour long dicsussion!

My experience of the campaign so far at a grassroots level suggests it is not a 2 way thing - which it should be. How can you respect someone who talks down to you, abuses their position of power and clearly uses a Sunday morning to earn themselves an extra £20 and let off some steam rather than for love of the game? I'm not describing every referee nor even a majority of them, but I'm sure your average Sunday footballer hasn't managed a season without at least one power hungry, jobsworth referee. Rather than creating a more fair and enjoyable environment, the campaign is actually turning the relationship between referee and player into more of a schoolmaster and naughty pupil type affair. Referee's are hiding behind the Respect campaign and rather than actually gaining any respect, they are alienating themselves. They don't have to be good at what they do to earn respect, according to this new directive they simply have to turn up. The fact that they are the man in black is enough according to the FA.

The Football Association have somehow seen having a power hungry referee as a good thing and have put rules in place that mean an appeal to a red card is all but impossible. There was outrage at this in the meeting I attended, with secretaries of some clubs saying the lack of an appeal process in previous seasons could potentially have killed their clubs. Fines were incurred incorrectly and were overturned after appeal, the new rule says you can now only appeal with video evidence. How on earth are the Sunday teams ever going to have footage in order to combat a decision?! If as I have experienced on numerous occasions, a referee turns up looking to use their small amount of power with the Respect campaign fully backing them, winds a player up and sends them off for a non football related offence, the referee is impossible to prove as incorrect. Players are by no means blameless a majority of the time, but there is going to be no distinction between a power crazy referee over exerting authority and a genuine case of dissent. The referee is NEVER wrong under this new system.

With all the furore of this being announced, a committee member from the league then mentioned that Cambridge City, who are of a level where games are filmed, tried to use video evidence in the appeal process. The footage was not sufficiently detailed enough or filmed at an angle in which an appeal was possible. If Cambridge City who play in a stadium at a semi professional level can't do it, what hope do the clubs with a village green or local recreation ground who have to pay to play have? Someone quoted human rights as being infringed with this rule, I don't know much about my human rights but it doesn't seem a million miles off the mark. How can an organisation put a procedure in place that has no way of appeal?! I guess it's lucky the guys playing at the grassroots level of our game are mostly looking to play football and aren't on the salaries of those higher up the ladder, I think this rule might have had more weight behind being contested otherwise.

There are a fair share of good ref's out there, but I've definitely come across the sort of ref we don't need and the FA rules are only serving to create more of these. A bad ref will antagonise, not communicate and create hostility between himself and the players. How can respect only work one way? If a referee can never be wrong, only the ones overseeing our games with poor attitudes who don't deserve respect are going to prosper. The decent referees who don't mind talking, banter and explaining their decisions are going to come across players and teams who feel aggrieved by a ridiculous system that only serves to punish the bad and not promote the good. This is completely the wrong way round. I do wonder what is being said about the Respect campaign in any meetings a referee has to attend, I'd love to be a fly on the wall.

I think I might become a referee, they seem to have become the darling of the Football Association over our young players and coaches in recent years!