It's not been long since I visited the subject of showboating in football, but within a matter of a week I've felt the need to re-visit it. The reason - a certain attempted backheel by Manchester City protege Mario Balotelli. Here's what all the fuss is about:
I know it didn't go in and he looks like a complete plonker, but what if he'd scored? Let's imagine for a second the back heel cleverly slotted past the LA Galaxy keeper. I doubt Mancini would have taken him off had he put them 2-0 up. The boy would have been labelled a maverick, yes he's a nightmare to manage but with flashes of brilliance that other players wouldn't dare attempt, it would be crazy of Mancini to restrict this talent. It's not like it was in the Champions League final either, it was on a lucrative pre-season tour of the USA, which is more an exhibition match than anything else. I made the argument for Awana Diab and his penalty that because he scored any flack he received is irrelevant. I'm more than aware this was quite embarrassing for Mario but if we don't have players trying this sort of thing then it will completely disappear from our "beautiful" game.
I can't help but admire the balls of someone who is through on goal, almost certain to score should he sidefoot the ball into a corner, who instead chooses to pirouette and try a fancy back heel. Great stuff! An argument could be had that he's not taking his profession seriously, but I'd sooner pay to see a Mario Balotelli than I would a grafter of a centre forward who finds the net with a simple shot at goal. Had it been my team in a game of importance, this would be the source of massive frustration and I'd be sure to throw a few expletives towards my player, but not in an exhibition match! There is a player for my team, Cambridge United, who looks like he might carry the swagger to pull this sort of thing off. Right from his debut for the super U's, Adam Marriott has carried himself around the pitch with a great air of arrogance. Some don't like it as he doesn't appear to graft as much as other players, but I'd rather have a player who isn't busting a gut for 90 minutes who can show a flash of brilliance and win you a game. I think my attitude is the opposite of most English fans in this instance, where for the most part they'd rather see a Bryan Robson, Terry Butcher, Stuart Pearce type player who fears nothing. Adam is a skillful, diminutive striker and he scores great goals. I think carrying a certain air of arrogance is a good quality for a striker, almost turning your nose up at the fact you have to share the pitch with other players. It breeds confidence and composure, two vital ingredients in the make up of a top class striker. Cantona had it, Berbatov has certainly got it and so has Drogba.
Balotelli has earnt the right to a certain amount of arrogance, he's 20 years old and has won 3 Italian titles and also the Champions League. It's not like he has broke through and needs to prove himself, he is without doubt a world class striker and Mancini knew what he was getting himself in for, so it seems strange that he would haul him off. We need to let our gifted players put on a show, maybe the pressure from owners at clubs for success is what is causing our managers to want to stamp out such 'behavior'. If we don't let our flair players flourish, we'll be watching 2 teams of tactical robots carry out set instructions. Who wants to pay to see that?
Monday, 25 July 2011
Thursday, 21 July 2011
Promotion - Are U's Sure?
This post presumes you're fluent in the language and recent history of Cambridge United, if you're not, most of this probably isn't going to make much sense. I'll start...
Pre-season for my beloved super U's is well under way. The first 3 friendlies have been and gone, nearly all of the "dead wood" has been stripped from the squad and Jez George has put together a squad that might surprise a few people this season. I've been trying to work out how well I think we'll do, it's always hard looking from within your own club to figure this out. To try and get a yardstick of how far we've come since Ling *shudder*, I've been keeping a close eye on @nonleagueshow on Twitter. Over the last couple of days fans from various non-league clubs have been listing their predictions for promotion from the Blue Square Bet Premier this season. Cambridge United have not appeared once. The relegated sides Lincoln and Stockport feature heavily, with most others going for Luton and Fleetwood. Honourable mentions go to Darlington who are deemed to be considered contenders.
I don't think the predictions are going to be a million miles away, but I can't help thinking the lack of any predictions for the super U's is down to our choice of manager and the attitude of our own fans. We won't dare to dream, we've been hurt too many times in the past to put our necks on the line and set ourselves up for disappointment. We've become content with not being near the relegation zone. I'm slowly coming round to the idea of Jez as manager, but I'm going to reserve judgement until I see how we perform in the league. Personally, I can't help but think we've made a huge mistake. Looking from outside the club you'd definitely think we've taken the cheap option - which we have. Probably more through necessity than choice. Our lack of predictions can't be down to our signings, we've brought in plenty of young, talented and hungry players who have been the recipe for success for a lot of teams who have got out of this division. It can't be down to our fan base, despite spending most of the season languishing near the bottom of the table we had the 5th highest average attendance in the league in 2010-11. Other clubs must have heard "budget cut" from the Abbey and seen a man at the helm who has never been in charge of a senior team and made their minds up. We need a few more of our own fans talking up our chances, you don't see Luton, Fleetwood or Darlington fans saying "we're getting ahead of ourselves here, let's settle for mid table".
Just a quick note on the average attendance at the Abbey that I found during some research, here's the average gate and how that compares to the rest of the Blue Square Bet Premier since we started in this tripe division in 05/06:
At the time Martin Ling was dismissed, Jez was the obvious choice to steady the ship and keep things ticking over, he stopped the rot that had set in under Ling and stopped us from being relegated. At that point, for me he should of gone back under the radar and carried on his terrific work churning through the youth products to feed the first team with. He himself said this was what he wanted to happen, but I always got the feeling there was a small part of him that wanted a crack at managing at this level. He'll probably never get the opportunity again, so why shouldn't he? All the signs so far suggest it's not going to be a complete disaster, but the real test will come when we lose a couple of games. Will Jez be able to transfer his skills mentoring our youth products who have had no emphasis on getting results to a competitive side who are all about getting 3 points? It represents a massive gamble, one I don't think the club could afford to take.
There was a name available that stood out time and time again, throughout the whole back end of last season while Jez was keeping us in the division, I had my fingers crossed he was just keeping the seat warm for Tommy Widdrington. He ticked every single box for what this club needs at this time. He has brought a club on a limited budget into the Blue Square Premier so is experienced at this level and below. He not only kept Salisbury there but had them punching well above their weight. He worked on the smallest full-time budget in English football and if it wasn't for a points deduction, would have finished 6th with Salisbury. He was interested in the job, he declared that he would love to take the reigns and had a vital ingrediant for our Director of Football (Jez) - hunger! He publicly declared so in the Cambridge News:
http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/Sport/Cambridge-United/Tommy-is-interested-in-Us-job.htm
When this calibre of manager is available, why on earth do you pass up the opportunity? I've kept up with his whereabouts via his Twitter @TommyWidd and told him I thought he was the man for the Abbey, he sent me a message:
"Cheers Dan, I was/am keen and I too believe I would've "had the tools" to take Cambridge forward. Never say never!"
Tommy is still without a role at a football club since his departure as Southend assistant manager. This leaves me even more despondent that we've 'ended up' with Jez. As much as I admire the man for his work ethic, knowledge and willingness to work within our constraints, he's not a proven manager at the top level of non-league or even in senior football. I thought the club would of learnt from the Martin Ling fiasco that what we are crying out for is someone who has been there and done it in this division, someone who has got the best out of limited resources. I think the cost of bringing in a decent calibre manager would far outweigh the cons of the gamble we've taken. Whatever good vibes are going round the club at the moment emanating from Jez, whatever way you look at it, putting Jez at the helm is a gamble. This might be dramatic, but if it goes wrong it could be the end of the club. Any managerial appointment is a gamble, everyone was over the moon we'd manage to secure the services of Ling for example, but you can reduce that risk by bringing in someone who has done it at this level in similar circumstances.
I can't stress enough how much I want this to work and this sort of appointment when it works, seems to really work. Where Jez has got lucky is, if we finish mid-table and don't get too close to the relegation zone any time this season, everyone is going to be happy and he'll have done a "fantastic" job. This is more about the apathy that has set in within our fan base more than anything else. I'd like us to start aiming a little higher, balls to consolidation, balls to avoiding relegation, let's hear something positive from this club again who have been in the doldrums far too long. Let's galvanize, raise the bar and say we're aiming for the play-offs. When we were competing in the play-offs may have been while we were on an inflated playing budget, but teams on smaller budgets have done it, teams without the backing the Abbey's got have done it and League 2 is littered with tinpot teams such as Burton and Macclesfield now. We CAN get there!
We're the longest serving Blue Square Bet Premier side and we've never had an attendance average in a season outside the top 5. I realise attendances aren't directly linked to league placing and we have the noose of rent for the Abbey around our necks, but if we can provide a top half budget, slightly punch above our weight, we're in the play-offs! It sounds easy, but why can't we dream a little? Why on earth are we settling for mid-table abyss? It's a horrible attitude that lurks around this club now, we're not demanding success, we're settling and pushing out the same old excuses for ourselves.
Come on Jez, let's hear some fighting talk! Get us off to a good start, instill some confidence into what is definitely a young and talented squad, then we can go to places like Luton where we've previously accepted defeat before turning up and let's give them a game. Let's play without fear. Prove me wrong please, get me through my massive feeling of being underwhelmed at your appointment and let's surprise a few people. Let's see some of those people predicting Luton, Stockport and Lincoln saying it's our turn.
In Jez We Trust.
Pre-season for my beloved super U's is well under way. The first 3 friendlies have been and gone, nearly all of the "dead wood" has been stripped from the squad and Jez George has put together a squad that might surprise a few people this season. I've been trying to work out how well I think we'll do, it's always hard looking from within your own club to figure this out. To try and get a yardstick of how far we've come since Ling *shudder*, I've been keeping a close eye on @nonleagueshow on Twitter. Over the last couple of days fans from various non-league clubs have been listing their predictions for promotion from the Blue Square Bet Premier this season. Cambridge United have not appeared once. The relegated sides Lincoln and Stockport feature heavily, with most others going for Luton and Fleetwood. Honourable mentions go to Darlington who are deemed to be considered contenders.
I don't think the predictions are going to be a million miles away, but I can't help thinking the lack of any predictions for the super U's is down to our choice of manager and the attitude of our own fans. We won't dare to dream, we've been hurt too many times in the past to put our necks on the line and set ourselves up for disappointment. We've become content with not being near the relegation zone. I'm slowly coming round to the idea of Jez as manager, but I'm going to reserve judgement until I see how we perform in the league. Personally, I can't help but think we've made a huge mistake. Looking from outside the club you'd definitely think we've taken the cheap option - which we have. Probably more through necessity than choice. Our lack of predictions can't be down to our signings, we've brought in plenty of young, talented and hungry players who have been the recipe for success for a lot of teams who have got out of this division. It can't be down to our fan base, despite spending most of the season languishing near the bottom of the table we had the 5th highest average attendance in the league in 2010-11. Other clubs must have heard "budget cut" from the Abbey and seen a man at the helm who has never been in charge of a senior team and made their minds up. We need a few more of our own fans talking up our chances, you don't see Luton, Fleetwood or Darlington fans saying "we're getting ahead of ourselves here, let's settle for mid table".
Just a quick note on the average attendance at the Abbey that I found during some research, here's the average gate and how that compares to the rest of the Blue Square Bet Premier since we started in this tripe division in 05/06:
- 2005/06 - 4th highest with 2606
- 2006/07 - 4th highest with 2815
- 2007/08 - 3rd highest with 3551
- 2008/09 - 2nd highest with 3570
- 2009/10 - 5th highest with 3077
- 2010/11 - 5th highest with 2557
At the time Martin Ling was dismissed, Jez was the obvious choice to steady the ship and keep things ticking over, he stopped the rot that had set in under Ling and stopped us from being relegated. At that point, for me he should of gone back under the radar and carried on his terrific work churning through the youth products to feed the first team with. He himself said this was what he wanted to happen, but I always got the feeling there was a small part of him that wanted a crack at managing at this level. He'll probably never get the opportunity again, so why shouldn't he? All the signs so far suggest it's not going to be a complete disaster, but the real test will come when we lose a couple of games. Will Jez be able to transfer his skills mentoring our youth products who have had no emphasis on getting results to a competitive side who are all about getting 3 points? It represents a massive gamble, one I don't think the club could afford to take.
There was a name available that stood out time and time again, throughout the whole back end of last season while Jez was keeping us in the division, I had my fingers crossed he was just keeping the seat warm for Tommy Widdrington. He ticked every single box for what this club needs at this time. He has brought a club on a limited budget into the Blue Square Premier so is experienced at this level and below. He not only kept Salisbury there but had them punching well above their weight. He worked on the smallest full-time budget in English football and if it wasn't for a points deduction, would have finished 6th with Salisbury. He was interested in the job, he declared that he would love to take the reigns and had a vital ingrediant for our Director of Football (Jez) - hunger! He publicly declared so in the Cambridge News:
http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/Sport/Cambridge-United/Tommy-is-interested-in-Us-job.htm
When this calibre of manager is available, why on earth do you pass up the opportunity? I've kept up with his whereabouts via his Twitter @TommyWidd and told him I thought he was the man for the Abbey, he sent me a message:
"Cheers Dan, I was/am keen and I too believe I would've "had the tools" to take Cambridge forward. Never say never!"
Tommy is still without a role at a football club since his departure as Southend assistant manager. This leaves me even more despondent that we've 'ended up' with Jez. As much as I admire the man for his work ethic, knowledge and willingness to work within our constraints, he's not a proven manager at the top level of non-league or even in senior football. I thought the club would of learnt from the Martin Ling fiasco that what we are crying out for is someone who has been there and done it in this division, someone who has got the best out of limited resources. I think the cost of bringing in a decent calibre manager would far outweigh the cons of the gamble we've taken. Whatever good vibes are going round the club at the moment emanating from Jez, whatever way you look at it, putting Jez at the helm is a gamble. This might be dramatic, but if it goes wrong it could be the end of the club. Any managerial appointment is a gamble, everyone was over the moon we'd manage to secure the services of Ling for example, but you can reduce that risk by bringing in someone who has done it at this level in similar circumstances.
I can't stress enough how much I want this to work and this sort of appointment when it works, seems to really work. Where Jez has got lucky is, if we finish mid-table and don't get too close to the relegation zone any time this season, everyone is going to be happy and he'll have done a "fantastic" job. This is more about the apathy that has set in within our fan base more than anything else. I'd like us to start aiming a little higher, balls to consolidation, balls to avoiding relegation, let's hear something positive from this club again who have been in the doldrums far too long. Let's galvanize, raise the bar and say we're aiming for the play-offs. When we were competing in the play-offs may have been while we were on an inflated playing budget, but teams on smaller budgets have done it, teams without the backing the Abbey's got have done it and League 2 is littered with tinpot teams such as Burton and Macclesfield now. We CAN get there!
We're the longest serving Blue Square Bet Premier side and we've never had an attendance average in a season outside the top 5. I realise attendances aren't directly linked to league placing and we have the noose of rent for the Abbey around our necks, but if we can provide a top half budget, slightly punch above our weight, we're in the play-offs! It sounds easy, but why can't we dream a little? Why on earth are we settling for mid-table abyss? It's a horrible attitude that lurks around this club now, we're not demanding success, we're settling and pushing out the same old excuses for ourselves.
Come on Jez, let's hear some fighting talk! Get us off to a good start, instill some confidence into what is definitely a young and talented squad, then we can go to places like Luton where we've previously accepted defeat before turning up and let's give them a game. Let's play without fear. Prove me wrong please, get me through my massive feeling of being underwhelmed at your appointment and let's surprise a few people. Let's see some of those people predicting Luton, Stockport and Lincoln saying it's our turn.
In Jez We Trust.
Monday, 18 July 2011
Showboating
Please watch the following video, it is a player who goes by the name of Awana Diab playing for United Arab Emirates against Lebanon. He takes this penalty while his team is cruising at 6-2 up in the 78th minute:
If I was to tell you that Awana Diab is in a bit of hot water over how he took his penalty, what would you think? Personally, I don't think think there is enough of this sort of thing in football and am pretty disgusted at the outcry over it. There's widespread condemning of the 'incident' (I use the word loosely) over how much disrespect Awana Diab has shown to his opponents Lebanon. His coach, Srecko Katanec, who had brought him on 3 minutes before the penalty was taken, immediately substituted him afterwards.
"This penalty, I didn't like it. We must respect players from other teams. In future you don't know what football will give you back," Katanec said after the game.
"He's a young guy and he knew he made a mistake immediately. I just want him to show respect, not just on the field but off it as well."
Strong words from the coach of UAE. How exactly is Awana showing disrespect? What other opportunity do players have within the game to showcase the side of their game that is a spectacle. If you can't do it at 6-2 up, when can you do it? I think everything we are currently trying to encourage in our young players is epitomised in this penalty. He was composed under pressure, showed amazing technique and most importantly, scored a goal in the process. Aren't we trying to encourage our kids all of the above? Rather than lumping it out of play, try a neat pass or trick? Aren't we looking to take away the pressure they are under and encourage skill and finesse over power and strength?
It gets worse, a Lebanese team official saw red after a furious reaction to the penalty. If you can't stand back and applaud when someone has shown a flash of brilliance at the highest level of the game, go and get involved with tiddlywinks or somewhere else where they are looking to drain out any sign of showboating. Why do you think scantily clad women parade around a boxing ring during a fight? Why do you think the 20-20 format is so popular in cricket now? Why does Premier League Darts have sell out crowds full of enthusiastic punters? Because of the showmanship involved! Why do we admire the Zidane's, Di Canio's and Cantona's of this world? Were these great names showing a disrespect every time they turned someone inside out or chipped a hapless keeper standing 20 yards off their line? Of course not, so what's the fuss about here?
Here's to Awana Diab and all those like him, the day we run out of Awana Diab's is the day our game will die.
If I was to tell you that Awana Diab is in a bit of hot water over how he took his penalty, what would you think? Personally, I don't think think there is enough of this sort of thing in football and am pretty disgusted at the outcry over it. There's widespread condemning of the 'incident' (I use the word loosely) over how much disrespect Awana Diab has shown to his opponents Lebanon. His coach, Srecko Katanec, who had brought him on 3 minutes before the penalty was taken, immediately substituted him afterwards.
"This penalty, I didn't like it. We must respect players from other teams. In future you don't know what football will give you back," Katanec said after the game.
"He's a young guy and he knew he made a mistake immediately. I just want him to show respect, not just on the field but off it as well."
Strong words from the coach of UAE. How exactly is Awana showing disrespect? What other opportunity do players have within the game to showcase the side of their game that is a spectacle. If you can't do it at 6-2 up, when can you do it? I think everything we are currently trying to encourage in our young players is epitomised in this penalty. He was composed under pressure, showed amazing technique and most importantly, scored a goal in the process. Aren't we trying to encourage our kids all of the above? Rather than lumping it out of play, try a neat pass or trick? Aren't we looking to take away the pressure they are under and encourage skill and finesse over power and strength?
It gets worse, a Lebanese team official saw red after a furious reaction to the penalty. If you can't stand back and applaud when someone has shown a flash of brilliance at the highest level of the game, go and get involved with tiddlywinks or somewhere else where they are looking to drain out any sign of showboating. Why do you think scantily clad women parade around a boxing ring during a fight? Why do you think the 20-20 format is so popular in cricket now? Why does Premier League Darts have sell out crowds full of enthusiastic punters? Because of the showmanship involved! Why do we admire the Zidane's, Di Canio's and Cantona's of this world? Were these great names showing a disrespect every time they turned someone inside out or chipped a hapless keeper standing 20 yards off their line? Of course not, so what's the fuss about here?
Here's to Awana Diab and all those like him, the day we run out of Awana Diab's is the day our game will die.
Friday, 15 July 2011
Euromillions
I've been reading today about the couple who won the £161 million on the Euromillions and the standard "what would you do with it" thoughts cropped up. Both of the winners haven't worked for a few years because of "health issues". Convenient that, they haven't been able to work for a while but they can afford a few lines on the Euromillions (he'd got to his 5th line before realising they matched all the numbers) and plan to jet off to the Great Wall of China and art galleries around the world. One of them worked as a camera man and the other as a psychiatric nurse, I'm pretty sure both of those occupations would be less strenuous physical work than walking around these galleries the the Great Wall of China? Maybe there's something I'm missing. It always goes to those most deserving...
Anyway, that's the bitter side of me done, onto the more fun stuff and my plans should I come into hundreds of millions of English sterling anytime soon! Firstly, all this "it wouldn't change me" - bollocks. I would become one massive arse. Everyone would be below me and lucky to be in the same room as me, if I'm feeling generous I might let you get on all fours for me to put my feet up on! I'd want to walk into a room and for everyone to sense the power and wealth as soon as I entered, I'd want a certain air of importance to surround me. Don't like it? Get out, this room is now my room. Think I'm arrogant? Here's £1000, go take a running jump, face first into the nearest brick wall while I film it on my phone. I'd want to be surrounded by complete suck ups and people only there for my money. I know who my real mates are now and that wouldn't change, so I'd just use anyone who tried to latch on for my own amusement.
All my mates would be sorted out of course, I'd build a huge estate with houses and apartments. I'd have the largest at the centre of the estate and my friends would all be dotted around. It would come with all the mod cons, we'd have water slides as the method of transport to get to each others houses, a Segway racing course, Steve McLaren would be dressed up in a clown suit wandering around (for that England v Croatia game) and topless waitresses on roller skates would always be ready with a cold drink. That's just the beginning, now the ideas have started flowing, it's made me realise how boring the people with this sort of money are. Why the fudge are the billionaires of this world not just having the craziest parties, with the best hookers, drugs and alcohol money can buy? I've never touched drugs, but why the hell wouldn't you if you could just live the rest of your life on one massive high? I can see why Sean Kingston wanted to be a billionaire so frickin' bad, he's probably had a small taste of the lifestyle and wants more. Charlie Sheen would be my best mate and I'd just follow his lead, we would definitely be #winning.
As ever, I digress. Onto the car, obviously one of the first purchases when you come into money has to be a car. I can't look any further than an Aston Martin DB9. I'm not a big car expert, so I can't go into stats about horse power or how quickly it does 0 - 60, but just look at it:
James Bond had an Aston Martin, it's British and Pamela Anderson would probably pushing her knockers in my face faster than a cat can lick its arse. I could probably pick 100 women I'd want to be doing that more than Pamela, but she's just the most iconic wannabe girlfriend of the last 20 or so years. So it would be more for status than anything.
What could I do in order to give myself a reason to get out of bed every morning? Easy, take over the super U's aka Cambridge United! They are short of a bob or two at the moment, knocking back budgets and generally struggling in non-league. That would soon all change with my input, for starters the Danny Smith Stadium would be built as part of the aforementioned estate above. I'd float around taking a pretty keen interest, maybe get involved with training every now and then. I'd bankroll a successful team and be held aloft by the hoards of U's fans each season as we storm through the leagues. There would be a concert at the end of each season within the stadium consisting of all my favourite bands.
How about holidays in between? I wouldn't be on any of those cruises or anything all inclusive, I'd want to see every possible extreme available in the world. I'd want to go and visit the most remote tribe who have no attachment to civilisation as we know it, but also to stay in some of the more metropolitan cities. I'd love to see real areas of povery out of curiosity more than anything, I'd love to go and stay in the most authentic part of each continent. I'd spend my time taking in as many cultures, sights, sounds and smells as physically possible. Making sure I was going back to a plush hotel at the end of the evening of course, probably by helicopter. I think I could happily travel for years, then come back to settle back into the parties with Charlie Sheen.
Me and everyone around me would have such a good time should I ever come into money, so if there's anyone up there with a bit of power or just a billionaire well wisher that really wants to see their money enjoyed, get in touch. I could document it and make the best TV programme ever made, so it wouldn't be a complete waste. I'll be buying my lottery ticket again next week if I remember, hold me to this should the dream become a reality!
Anyway, that's the bitter side of me done, onto the more fun stuff and my plans should I come into hundreds of millions of English sterling anytime soon! Firstly, all this "it wouldn't change me" - bollocks. I would become one massive arse. Everyone would be below me and lucky to be in the same room as me, if I'm feeling generous I might let you get on all fours for me to put my feet up on! I'd want to walk into a room and for everyone to sense the power and wealth as soon as I entered, I'd want a certain air of importance to surround me. Don't like it? Get out, this room is now my room. Think I'm arrogant? Here's £1000, go take a running jump, face first into the nearest brick wall while I film it on my phone. I'd want to be surrounded by complete suck ups and people only there for my money. I know who my real mates are now and that wouldn't change, so I'd just use anyone who tried to latch on for my own amusement.
All my mates would be sorted out of course, I'd build a huge estate with houses and apartments. I'd have the largest at the centre of the estate and my friends would all be dotted around. It would come with all the mod cons, we'd have water slides as the method of transport to get to each others houses, a Segway racing course, Steve McLaren would be dressed up in a clown suit wandering around (for that England v Croatia game) and topless waitresses on roller skates would always be ready with a cold drink. That's just the beginning, now the ideas have started flowing, it's made me realise how boring the people with this sort of money are. Why the fudge are the billionaires of this world not just having the craziest parties, with the best hookers, drugs and alcohol money can buy? I've never touched drugs, but why the hell wouldn't you if you could just live the rest of your life on one massive high? I can see why Sean Kingston wanted to be a billionaire so frickin' bad, he's probably had a small taste of the lifestyle and wants more. Charlie Sheen would be my best mate and I'd just follow his lead, we would definitely be #winning.
As ever, I digress. Onto the car, obviously one of the first purchases when you come into money has to be a car. I can't look any further than an Aston Martin DB9. I'm not a big car expert, so I can't go into stats about horse power or how quickly it does 0 - 60, but just look at it:
James Bond had an Aston Martin, it's British and Pamela Anderson would probably pushing her knockers in my face faster than a cat can lick its arse. I could probably pick 100 women I'd want to be doing that more than Pamela, but she's just the most iconic wannabe girlfriend of the last 20 or so years. So it would be more for status than anything.
What could I do in order to give myself a reason to get out of bed every morning? Easy, take over the super U's aka Cambridge United! They are short of a bob or two at the moment, knocking back budgets and generally struggling in non-league. That would soon all change with my input, for starters the Danny Smith Stadium would be built as part of the aforementioned estate above. I'd float around taking a pretty keen interest, maybe get involved with training every now and then. I'd bankroll a successful team and be held aloft by the hoards of U's fans each season as we storm through the leagues. There would be a concert at the end of each season within the stadium consisting of all my favourite bands.
How about holidays in between? I wouldn't be on any of those cruises or anything all inclusive, I'd want to see every possible extreme available in the world. I'd want to go and visit the most remote tribe who have no attachment to civilisation as we know it, but also to stay in some of the more metropolitan cities. I'd love to see real areas of povery out of curiosity more than anything, I'd love to go and stay in the most authentic part of each continent. I'd spend my time taking in as many cultures, sights, sounds and smells as physically possible. Making sure I was going back to a plush hotel at the end of the evening of course, probably by helicopter. I think I could happily travel for years, then come back to settle back into the parties with Charlie Sheen.
Me and everyone around me would have such a good time should I ever come into money, so if there's anyone up there with a bit of power or just a billionaire well wisher that really wants to see their money enjoyed, get in touch. I could document it and make the best TV programme ever made, so it wouldn't be a complete waste. I'll be buying my lottery ticket again next week if I remember, hold me to this should the dream become a reality!
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
Harry Potter
There is no doubt that the Harry Potter series is one of the greatest pieces of fictional writing we'll probably see in our lifetime, it is immensely popular (biggest understatement ever?) and has captured an audience from primary school kids, through to moody teenagers, right up to mums and grans. It has a widespread appeal like nothing I've seen before and everyone I know who likes it, really likes it. They have all the books, they want to dress up as Gandalf, go and see the midnight viewing when it comes out at the cinema and have 3 copies of each of the DVDs. It's worse than how I was as a teenager supporting Cambridge United, using the word obsession wouldn't be doing it justice.
I've never (drinking game anyone?) read any of the books or gone out of my way to watch any of the films. I did briefly start to read one of the books at school because a girl I fancied was a Hazza geek (it didn't work), but that's a different story. But being the loving boyfriend that I am, I made an attempt to get on board with the whole Harry Potter thing for the benefit of my girlfriend, it was not long before the Deathly Hallows movie was about to come out. I agreed to watch all the movies building up to it and find out who was who so that I wouldn't be completely lost when I took her to see the final movie. I wasn't completely bored but not completely enthralled either. There is no doubting they are good movies and have been done extremely well, but they are totally aimed at the Harry Potter geek. I'd go as far to say if you aren't Harry Potter obsessed, it's not going to be a pleasant viewing experience. I'm not a movie critic, but Daniel Radcliffe's acting is pretty cardboard. Never has someone got so lucky looking a bit like an illustration, it's painful to watch. He gets better as the movies go on, but there are some horrible cringe moments where you can see a lot of Daniel and not a lot of Harry.
The creators of the movie have almost put themselves in a win win situation, they already have a huge fan base salivating over the prospect of each new movie, they already have a storyline and people flocking to watch it despite knowing exactly how each one ends and all of them defend each shortcoming from the film to the hilt. No Harry Potter fan will hear a bad word against any of the movies. My girlfriend is one of the Harry Potter mega geeks and I have no problem with that, but when I went to watch the last film and came away disappointed that I'd only seen the first half (I genuinely didn't know it was in 2 parts), it was greeted with shock and amazement. What she and most Harry Potter fans don't understand is, I have no idea how it ends! For all I know Harry Potter wakes up and it was all a bad dream at the end of Part 2. I was gutted that after being gripped by what was admittedly a brilliant first part, I'd have to wait months to see how it ended. What sort of deluded movie watcher goes away happy about that?! Only a Harry Potter fan.
I've tried saying this to a group of her friends who are all just as obsessed, if you could see some of the reactions I get it's almost as if I've gone and slapped their grandmothers round the face with my knob. How dare I question the great J K Rowling and how her fine fiction has been depicted? What do I mean she is taking advantage of good, faithful Harry Potter fans? Of course the last book is too long to condense into a single movie, no way should there have been any sort of reward for going to see both movies at the cinema, of course you're going to buy the DVD box set afterwards. One of my girlfriends friends even said she was disappointed that they hadn't played the other SEVEN movies in the week or so leading upto Deathly Hallows Part 2! She would have gone to see them all, AGAIN! I don't know how you've done it J K, but in movie making terms you're essentially printing money. I dare say most Harry Potter fans will have said exactly the same and gone to every movie again before seeing the last half a film.
Sorry Harry Potter fans, but you're all mugs. What's worse is, you all seem to enjoy being mugs and won't hear otherwise. I think it's called ignorant bliss? I've tried to be reasonable with you, I've tried to subtly explain why I think you're being taken advantage of, but the only response I've had is gasps of horror and somehow it's me that is being stupid for not jumping on the bandwagon! I was asked if I would be going to Part 2 of the last film with my girlfriend, if I could remember what had happened in Part 1 I would of been tempted as I'm sure it's going to be epic. Maybe I should have gone to see Part 1 a couple of times to get in the real Potter spirit of things? If you haven't read each of the books 32 times over, going to see the films is pointless. Even my Harry Potter geek girlfriend will concede that there are parts to the films that don't make sense without having read the books. Bravo J K Rowling, you really can't lose here.
EDIT: A quick Google search tells me that out of the whole Harry Potter series of movies, not a single Oscar has been won. Surely not, after 10 years and 7 movies? Well it was never going to be for the acting, was it? Try argue with that one Hazza geeks.
I've never (drinking game anyone?) read any of the books or gone out of my way to watch any of the films. I did briefly start to read one of the books at school because a girl I fancied was a Hazza geek (it didn't work), but that's a different story. But being the loving boyfriend that I am, I made an attempt to get on board with the whole Harry Potter thing for the benefit of my girlfriend, it was not long before the Deathly Hallows movie was about to come out. I agreed to watch all the movies building up to it and find out who was who so that I wouldn't be completely lost when I took her to see the final movie. I wasn't completely bored but not completely enthralled either. There is no doubting they are good movies and have been done extremely well, but they are totally aimed at the Harry Potter geek. I'd go as far to say if you aren't Harry Potter obsessed, it's not going to be a pleasant viewing experience. I'm not a movie critic, but Daniel Radcliffe's acting is pretty cardboard. Never has someone got so lucky looking a bit like an illustration, it's painful to watch. He gets better as the movies go on, but there are some horrible cringe moments where you can see a lot of Daniel and not a lot of Harry.
The creators of the movie have almost put themselves in a win win situation, they already have a huge fan base salivating over the prospect of each new movie, they already have a storyline and people flocking to watch it despite knowing exactly how each one ends and all of them defend each shortcoming from the film to the hilt. No Harry Potter fan will hear a bad word against any of the movies. My girlfriend is one of the Harry Potter mega geeks and I have no problem with that, but when I went to watch the last film and came away disappointed that I'd only seen the first half (I genuinely didn't know it was in 2 parts), it was greeted with shock and amazement. What she and most Harry Potter fans don't understand is, I have no idea how it ends! For all I know Harry Potter wakes up and it was all a bad dream at the end of Part 2. I was gutted that after being gripped by what was admittedly a brilliant first part, I'd have to wait months to see how it ended. What sort of deluded movie watcher goes away happy about that?! Only a Harry Potter fan.
I've tried saying this to a group of her friends who are all just as obsessed, if you could see some of the reactions I get it's almost as if I've gone and slapped their grandmothers round the face with my knob. How dare I question the great J K Rowling and how her fine fiction has been depicted? What do I mean she is taking advantage of good, faithful Harry Potter fans? Of course the last book is too long to condense into a single movie, no way should there have been any sort of reward for going to see both movies at the cinema, of course you're going to buy the DVD box set afterwards. One of my girlfriends friends even said she was disappointed that they hadn't played the other SEVEN movies in the week or so leading upto Deathly Hallows Part 2! She would have gone to see them all, AGAIN! I don't know how you've done it J K, but in movie making terms you're essentially printing money. I dare say most Harry Potter fans will have said exactly the same and gone to every movie again before seeing the last half a film.
Sorry Harry Potter fans, but you're all mugs. What's worse is, you all seem to enjoy being mugs and won't hear otherwise. I think it's called ignorant bliss? I've tried to be reasonable with you, I've tried to subtly explain why I think you're being taken advantage of, but the only response I've had is gasps of horror and somehow it's me that is being stupid for not jumping on the bandwagon! I was asked if I would be going to Part 2 of the last film with my girlfriend, if I could remember what had happened in Part 1 I would of been tempted as I'm sure it's going to be epic. Maybe I should have gone to see Part 1 a couple of times to get in the real Potter spirit of things? If you haven't read each of the books 32 times over, going to see the films is pointless. Even my Harry Potter geek girlfriend will concede that there are parts to the films that don't make sense without having read the books. Bravo J K Rowling, you really can't lose here.
EDIT: A quick Google search tells me that out of the whole Harry Potter series of movies, not a single Oscar has been won. Surely not, after 10 years and 7 movies? Well it was never going to be for the acting, was it? Try argue with that one Hazza geeks.
Thursday, 7 July 2011
The Marriage Ref
If you haven't had the pleasure of staying in on a Saturday night and looking at what ITV have to offer, you've missed out on The Marriage Ref. This programme is what appears to be filling the gap while Ant & Dec take a bit of a break, it involves couples having their jovial arguments judged by a panel of celebrities and is hosted by Dermot O'Leary. On first glance it's completely harmless fun and actually a pretty good watch when you throw the likes of Jimmy Carr in as a panelist. It takes a prime slot of 9pm.
Being restrained to the delights of Freeview since I moved house I've been subject to a lot of very poor TV. There have been times when all that's left is watching a bidding channel for the novelty of seeing a presenter somehow talk about the same dog bowl for 30 minutes. So seeing The Marriage Ref on our guide last night repeated on ITV2 from Saturday was quite a relief. I started to watch and geared myself up to see Dermot throw a few funny puns around ponder on why "Smiffy" (James Cordon) was sounding so well spoken.
Whether it was boredom, X-Factor withdrawal symptoms or just me being my usual over analytical self, I decided to look beyond the harmless fun at what this show is actually offering. I very quickly came to the conclusion that it's the worst programme to ever be broadcast, which if you're lucky enough to have to look at a TV guide every day for work you'd realise is quite a statement. As I was sat there last night watching this programme I wondered how on earth it had been commissioned and furthermore how they'd managed to convince Dermot to present it with a number of decent panelists. This in fact turns out to be the shows saving grace, had Bradley Walsh or Anton du Beke been thrust into Saturday night prime time presenting and not Dermot O'Leary this could of been absolute car crash television. Had the panel consisted of Anthony Costa or Christopher Biggins and not James Cordon or Jonathan Ross then I reckon OFCOM would have had a riot on their hands. Somehow, despite the worst format and show guests I've ever seen, this works.
I'd liken the couples to failed Big Brother applicants, they all try to pass themselves off as a bit wacky and there's an air of desperation about them that makes for pretty bad TV. They've obviously taken what's probably a small, funny argument between them and made it out to be something massive for the purpose of appearing on a TV show. When your husband of 50 years is obsessed with pickle, you can't stop your girlfriend purchasing reduced items from Tesco or your partner is obssesed with train spotting, do you really need Sarah Millican and Lorraine Kelly to settle things? Maybe this is just a vetting process for Jeremy Kyle? Do well on here, make a bit of a show and you might get an upgrade and we'll sort out your real problems.
If you can look beyond the tacky, cringeworthy early 90s-ish theme tune and graphics, the desperate to be famous couples and dreadful format, sit back and get ready for some of the best family entertainment ITV have to offer. While I'm not looking to be taught any life lessons of an evening, this idea was clearly bottom of a pile and was put together quicker than an Ikea foot stool. Luckily the names they've drafted in have made it half watchable.
Being restrained to the delights of Freeview since I moved house I've been subject to a lot of very poor TV. There have been times when all that's left is watching a bidding channel for the novelty of seeing a presenter somehow talk about the same dog bowl for 30 minutes. So seeing The Marriage Ref on our guide last night repeated on ITV2 from Saturday was quite a relief. I started to watch and geared myself up to see Dermot throw a few funny puns around ponder on why "Smiffy" (James Cordon) was sounding so well spoken.
Whether it was boredom, X-Factor withdrawal symptoms or just me being my usual over analytical self, I decided to look beyond the harmless fun at what this show is actually offering. I very quickly came to the conclusion that it's the worst programme to ever be broadcast, which if you're lucky enough to have to look at a TV guide every day for work you'd realise is quite a statement. As I was sat there last night watching this programme I wondered how on earth it had been commissioned and furthermore how they'd managed to convince Dermot to present it with a number of decent panelists. This in fact turns out to be the shows saving grace, had Bradley Walsh or Anton du Beke been thrust into Saturday night prime time presenting and not Dermot O'Leary this could of been absolute car crash television. Had the panel consisted of Anthony Costa or Christopher Biggins and not James Cordon or Jonathan Ross then I reckon OFCOM would have had a riot on their hands. Somehow, despite the worst format and show guests I've ever seen, this works.
I'd liken the couples to failed Big Brother applicants, they all try to pass themselves off as a bit wacky and there's an air of desperation about them that makes for pretty bad TV. They've obviously taken what's probably a small, funny argument between them and made it out to be something massive for the purpose of appearing on a TV show. When your husband of 50 years is obsessed with pickle, you can't stop your girlfriend purchasing reduced items from Tesco or your partner is obssesed with train spotting, do you really need Sarah Millican and Lorraine Kelly to settle things? Maybe this is just a vetting process for Jeremy Kyle? Do well on here, make a bit of a show and you might get an upgrade and we'll sort out your real problems.
If you can look beyond the tacky, cringeworthy early 90s-ish theme tune and graphics, the desperate to be famous couples and dreadful format, sit back and get ready for some of the best family entertainment ITV have to offer. While I'm not looking to be taught any life lessons of an evening, this idea was clearly bottom of a pile and was put together quicker than an Ikea foot stool. Luckily the names they've drafted in have made it half watchable.
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