Euromillions

I've been reading today about the couple who won the £161 million on the Euromillions and the standard "what would you do with it" thoughts cropped up. Both of the winners haven't worked for a few years because of "health issues". Convenient that, they haven't been able to work for a while but they can afford a few lines on the Euromillions (he'd got to his 5th line before realising they matched all the numbers) and plan to jet off to the Great Wall of China and art galleries around the world. One of them worked as a camera man and the other as a psychiatric nurse, I'm pretty sure both of those occupations would be less strenuous physical work than walking around these galleries the the Great Wall of China? Maybe there's something I'm missing. It always goes to those most deserving...

Anyway, that's the bitter side of me done, onto the more fun stuff and my plans should I come into hundreds of millions of English sterling anytime soon! Firstly, all this "it wouldn't change me" - bollocks. I would become one massive arse. Everyone would be below me and lucky to be in the same room as me, if I'm feeling generous I might let you get on all fours for me to put my feet up on! I'd want to walk into a room and for everyone to sense the power and wealth as soon as I entered, I'd want a certain air of importance to surround me. Don't like it? Get out, this room is now my room. Think I'm arrogant? Here's £1000, go take a running jump, face first into the nearest brick wall while I film it on my phone. I'd want to be surrounded by complete suck ups and people only there for my money. I know who my real mates are now and that wouldn't change, so I'd just use anyone who tried to latch on for my own amusement.

All my mates would be sorted out of course, I'd build a huge estate with houses and apartments. I'd have the largest at the centre of the estate and my friends would all be dotted around. It would come with all the mod cons, we'd have water slides as the method of transport to get to each others houses, a Segway racing course, Steve McLaren would be dressed up in a clown suit wandering around (for that England v Croatia game) and topless waitresses on roller skates would always be ready with a cold drink. That's just the beginning, now the ideas have started flowing, it's made me realise how boring the people with this sort of money are. Why the fudge are the billionaires of this world not just having the craziest parties, with the best hookers, drugs and alcohol money can buy? I've never touched drugs, but why the hell wouldn't you if you could just live the rest of your life on one massive high? I can see why Sean Kingston wanted to be a billionaire so frickin' bad, he's probably had a small taste of the lifestyle and wants more. Charlie Sheen would be my best mate and I'd just follow his lead, we would definitely be #winning.

As ever, I digress. Onto the car, obviously one of the first purchases when you come into money has to be a car. I can't look any further than an Aston Martin DB9. I'm not a big car expert, so I can't go into stats about horse power or how quickly it does 0 - 60, but just look at it:

James Bond had an Aston Martin, it's British and Pamela Anderson would probably pushing her knockers in my face faster than a cat can lick its arse. I could probably pick 100 women I'd want to be doing that more than Pamela, but she's just the most iconic wannabe girlfriend of the last 20 or so years. So it would be more for status than anything.

What could I do in order to give myself a reason to get out of bed every morning? Easy, take over the super U's aka Cambridge United! They are short of a bob or two at the moment, knocking back budgets and generally struggling in non-league. That would soon all change with my input, for starters the Danny Smith Stadium would be built as part of the aforementioned estate above. I'd float around taking a pretty keen interest, maybe get involved with training every now and then. I'd bankroll a successful team and be held aloft by the hoards of U's fans each season as we storm through the leagues. There would be a concert at the end of each season within the stadium consisting of all my favourite bands.

How about holidays in between? I wouldn't be on any of those cruises or anything all inclusive, I'd want to see every possible extreme available in the world. I'd want to go and visit the most remote tribe who have no attachment to civilisation as we know it, but also to stay in some of the more metropolitan cities. I'd love to see real areas of povery out of curiosity more than anything, I'd love to go and stay in the most authentic part of each continent. I'd spend my time taking in as many cultures, sights, sounds and smells as physically possible. Making sure I was going back to a plush hotel at the end of the evening of course, probably by helicopter. I think I could happily travel for years, then come back to settle back into the parties with Charlie Sheen.

Me and everyone around me would have such a good time should I ever come into money, so if there's anyone up there with a bit of power or just a billionaire well wisher that really wants to see their money enjoyed, get in touch. I could document it and make the best TV programme ever made, so it wouldn't be a complete waste. I'll be buying my lottery ticket again next week if I remember, hold me to this should the dream become a reality!